This Is my ongoing series of my fierce battle with porn addiction and how I overcame it. What started as a harmless pastime would soon consume my entire life and only through an immense finding of strength could I beat it. If you haven’t checked out part One feel free too check it out.It retell how I first discovered porn at 13 and how It would change my life completely.
I Think I Love Her
There I was again, gleefully anticipating when I would get home. After recently discovering the goldmine on my computer a few weeks ago I daydreamed about what today’s session would be like. My days at school were filled with thoughts of what would happen once I got home. Besides my classes weren’t exciting just a bunch of boring ass classes that society forced me to take for all of my kid life. I’ve never been a big fan of school even though I was always good at it. I honestly felt like it was a waste of time but my mom and grandma were on my ass to get good grades so it;s what I did.
Anyways, when the school bell finally rang I became overcome with excitement. I rushed out of class and raced to my bus becoming super impatient just thinking about how I was going to see my girl. The closer my bus moved toward my house the more nerves I experienced. It was similar to the anticipation Kanye West feels as he’s walking to his mirror to admire himself. During these times I was a thirteen year old loser with one real friend. I didn’t participate in any sports teams, school clubs or anything productive at all. I was just a boy with an Xbox and a computer girlfriend.
I put my key into the door and threw my bag on the floor. I darted up the stairs like a madman and into her room. The start button was pushed and I waited as patiently as I could for my mom’s ancient computer to load. Damn was that shit slow! Hurry up! I screamed. An interesting moment occurred. Everyday I had a couple hours of intimate time with her. When I started to turn on my computer I pictured her in my mind. The thoughts I created made my tongue build with saliva. This usually happened when I started rubbing one out but overtime it had changed. Fuck! I was In love with her. This girl had a hold on me. I was so caught up. Her goddess like body controlled me. If she told me to jump of a building or rob a bank I just might have .I would do anything to get her pleasure one more time. The red of her lips were luscious. Her face amazing She was perfect to me.
However, soon after things were not the same. The girl I once was once enamored by quickly grew unappealing. Mind you, this Is a girl that If I saw today I would think she was a true stunner. A typical guy rating of her would be a 9 or ten however, she was boring too me. What the hell was wrong with me? However my porn addiction didn’t let me experience real intimacy. I judged her off of her physical appearance, an appearance i couldn’t see, touch, hear, or smell in person. I pictured her as real and that was true. somewhere in america she was areal person, in a real body, having real sex. But in my reality she was as fake as a high-school friendship.
Just Found Heaven
Since I had become dissatisfied with the girl on my screen I searched for someone else. I typed in “tits” on my google search bar and got lost. After engaging myself in a intense search for something unique I stumbled upon gold. In actuality it was a form of poison that would haunt me down the road, but at the time you couldn’t tell me shit. One site in particular really stuck with me, bigtits.com. The sit had hundreds of models all from around the world. Even better, they separated the women by the different sizes of their breast. Such a great idea, I figured my fun would never end. IF I wanted a smaller girl with average size knockers I got that. If I felt like seeing a girl with bazooka breast I had that as well. Or if i wanted the average american mans dream size of a 34DD. It was like porn heaven.
There were even categories of the obscene acts as well, many of it being completely new to my mind. It ranged from Bbw and Latina too more explicit topics such as threesomes and orgies. My human minds wildest fantasies could be found on that site. With me being a newbie to porn I spent tons of time discovering new videos. Everything else was secondary in my life until I found a new model. I just had to. Pretty soon a video that was amazing a few days earlier became a throwaway soon after. I became immersed in a viscous cycle of finding new more explicit content. By the time I was in the middle of a full fledged porn addiction I needed to watch some pretty disturbing shit in order to get be able to get my member hard. My porn addiction was so pathetic looking back at it and It lead me nowhere fast.
The Need For Euphoria.
I was losing it. My addiction had gotten worse. A normal fap felt amazing when I first started, but now it was a regular occurrence. A process that used to take me 5 to 10 minutes was taking 45 minutes to an hour. Oh and my attention span was comparable to that of a gold fish, I would run through models faster than Donald Trump runs through his political opponents. This obsessive clicking of mine was digging a deep trench that would take me months to climb out of, yet I didn’t realize it. Similar to most fappers we don’t understand that porn websites are specifically designed to drawn you in.They want you to see the next video, the next model, the next act. To put icing on the cake as a faper you always have unlimited access to porn. You can see a video 24/7 in any place you so choose. As long as your computer has a web browser or your phone has WiFi your good. This was something I and other former fap addicts had to control.
A porn addiction wasn’t like an addiction to drugs or liquor. If I was off a hard drug theirs a societal price to pay. However, a police officer isn’t going to arrest you and slap you with a five year sentence. He would have probably give out a big chuckle, but in the end he wouldn’t give a shit. Porn is seen as normal and for some people it is. However, for you that shit is poison. What is normally acceptable for others is detrimental for you. People may tell you that nothing is wrong with it but their unknowing of the struggle in your life. Your porn addiction can and will destroy you If you let it. It’s similar to a Venus fly trap. I may seem beautiful and harmless at first but eventually you will come to find out that if you make a wrong move you will get burned. If you get get caught in to deep it will grab hold and try to envelop you from everything else.
I myself was feeding the Venus fly trap. In my attempts to gain short term gratification I was helping the plant thrive. Each time I beat off the plant ripped of another chunk of me. While I became weak and frail it grew. Pretty soon my habit became a full fledged porn addiction and although it didn’t destroy me (although plenty of times I felt it had) it consumed me. It took a huge chunk of my life away in the form of time and effort. However, It also something dear to my man hood that would take much more than a Fapless Life to bring back…