This is the 3rd part of my series reciting my long battle in overcoming porn addiction. In part 2 I narrated how porn went from a pleasurable hobby into a destructive habit. It was one of the most daunting challenges I had to face in my entire life. A very hard obstacle In my journey that I had to face next was Porn Induced erectile dysfunction(PIED),
“just do it! Hurry up all ready,” she yelled at me
” I’m trying! It just won’t go in,” I replied.
After struggling a few more times to have sex with my girlfriend I eventually gave up. We had been dating for over 8 months and I had strong feelings for her but in this moment my penis felt nothing around her. We had been anticipating the day we had sex for months now. dozens of nights we had phone sex and we had done foreplay occasionally. This was all leading up to the day we would finally have real mind blowing sex. One day she arrived at my house and it was one. We slowly escalated from kissing, to making out to foreplay until she gave me the signal. There she was laying down ready to receive me, however I couldn’t get it up. My mind started to panic. I thought “What Is wrong with me? All these guys on the sites do it. My friends do it. Why can’t I do the same? Is It my girl? Am I not attracted to her?” My mind were consumed with these thoughts and left me puzzled without an answer.
Once my girlfriend left, a huge feeling of worthlessness came forth. In quickly searched google for solutions. I entered “Why isn’t my penis getting hard with my girlfriend ” and the screen quickly filed up. There were stories about old men using Viagra to solve the problem but I knew that wasn’t my problem. Besides I could get an erection from porn in moments notice. Being attentive I quickly adjusted my search to include porn. As the newly formed search came a large looming darkness came over me. “wow. There’s no way that is happening to me! you telling me porn did this??” I said to myself.I knew at this point porn wasn’t great for me, but to find out it caused erectile dysfunction was devastating. The feeling was similar to how democrats felt when they learned Donald trump would be the next president of the united states.
As a 16 year old teenage boy I had a huge emphasis on losing my virginity. Every boy dreams of the day he can finally call himself a man. Aside from the pleasure that accompanies it you also gain the respect from your buddies and as a junior in high school I wanted nothing more than that.Finding out I couldn’t lose this naturally because of my porn habits stung. It took a piece of my manhood away from me and I was searching for a way to gain it back. Looking back at it now I understand that porn wasn’t the only factor in me not getting it up that afternoon. The tons of sexual and performance anxiety mixed in with porn caused this. However the most immediate effect of porn was it made unable to engage in sex and it happened time and time again.
PIED Strikes Again
The next moment that PIED happened was a much shittier experience. This happened About a year after my past girlfriend. Heading home from school I met this gorgeous girl. She was a short Latina with autumn red hair and I wanted her. Somehow my past self found the balls to sit next to her and strike up a conversation. Soon she became comfortable with me and pretty soon I was in love (I was super needy). The more I hung with her the more she would reveal her sexual side. She was a freak and she loved to experience pleasure. One example of this came when we were relaxing at the pool. We were talking about our sexual experiences. OF course I lied saying I had done a few different dirty deeds. She responded with all the positions she tried from missionary, to doggy, to cowgirl. Then she completely surprised me when a girl told me as a 15 year old told me her favorite position was reverse- cow girl. I was excited yet scared shitless at the same time. I knew if we ever got to the point of sex I wouldn’t be able to live to her expectations.
Then on one faithful day she came to my house. We were two teens alone with sex in mind. We started to make out heavily becoming extremely aroused to each other. However I didn’t allow her to see my penis,because I believed I couldn’t live up to her standard. In my mind i desperately anted to have sex with her but I knew my predicament. I wouldn’t be able to have sex with her if I wanted so I prohibited her from pleasuring me. I would finger her and give her oral sex often but she never did the same to me.
In a pathetic attempt to save my ego i avoided her sexual advances on my penis continuously. At first she figured I was just nervous. The next time she became frustrated. Then one faithful day along with other factors that porn gave me, she broke up with me. The face of disgust she gave me was unforgettable. In my mind I believed I was trying to protect myself from rejection but i was unaware of hurt she caused me. She felt that i judged her as unattractive and inadequate when that simply wasn’t the case. To this day she wont talk to me because of it.
Porn’s worst damage
From that point on until last year I experienced more trouble from my PIED. I prolonged my wait to losing my virginity. The pleasurable feelings that most humans naturally experience was stripped from me. I was a guppy in a pond of fellow addicts and we were bait. On the hook was the lure of sexual fulfillment and porn was the fisherman baiting me back in. I was the helpless guppy in the pond trying desperately to obtain that prize, However I was never realized that i needed to turn away from the hook and find another way to sexual pleasure. I would end up
missing out on this for a few more years due to my insecurities. My addiction would be fed for many more months.
Not only does porn negatively affect your daily life but it also gives your brain and body severe implications.. As a porn addict if you’ve experience PIED, more than likely you have lost your sexual confidence. It is almost a guarantee for PIED to affect someone who jerked off as a teenager. Porn has been the only programming your brain has experienced. This is one of the very dangerous diseases porn infests you with If you aren’t careful this can severely reduce your sexual confidence and self-esteem. It may not be as bad for those fapers who have had regular sex in the past. However, if you have constantly masturbated without real sexual pleasure this is detrimental to you. Your brain has a deep wiring to sexual pleasure from porn.
Right now our in the same boat that I was years ago. Even if you do date a super attractive girl that wants to have sex with you, you will never be able to satisfy her. This is not the problem you want to deal with in your teens or early 20’s. This is your sexual prime where your testosterone is through the roof and you want to slay as much pussy as you can.You probably long to be a lady killer however you wont be able to if your dick doesn’t work due to your obsessive porn watching habits. You’ll never get to experience the great pleasure that real sex gives you. The only way you can move past is to completely cut of porn and reboot. Would you rather fap alone like a hopeless loser or do you want to experience amazing pleasure with women? It’s a pretty easy choice.
No Where To turn
In my journey to finding a Fapless life this was a pain to deal with. This was a giant wake up call for me to get rid of porn. I wasn’t just dealing with depression or time consumption but a mental impairment. All these factors took a large chunk of something essential in my life. This was the hardest to regain, harder than dealing with anxiety and loneliness. Porn killed my inner confidence and I would be scrambling for a way to get it back.