My Road To A Fapless Life, Part 4: My Search For Confidence (Results Not Found)

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My search for confidence

This Is part 4 of my series ‘My Road To A Fapless Life’. In the previous articles I discussed my battles with a terrible addiction and erectile dysfunction. For this part I  retell my history(or non-history) with women as a porn addict. In a brief search for confidence I thought I overcame my difficulty with women but that never happened. In actuality porn would go on to sabotage any good chance of having decent relationships with them.

Porn’s Final Blow

It was the 1st semester in of my senior year in high school. My history with women up to this point while a porn addict was pretty terrible. As you all know if you’ve been following along I was a typical nerd boy throughout high school and the beginning of college. I knew absolutely nothing about how to get women in my life. I couldn’t get a number, let alone a  girlfriend, so In the event that I hit if off with a lady I had no clue what I was doing. Whenever I didn’t have a girlfriend, which was most of the time, I often developed a crush for some girl I saw in class but i would never make a move. I would only get a girl by complete luck whenever the universe was feeling generous. Well, at this particular time of my senior year I had this HUGE ass crush on this girl in my psychology class. She was perfect in my eyes. She  black and puerto Rrcan, skinny, and had  light-brown curly hair. I became infatuated with her over the year however since I was such a big puss I never told her this. Instead I often waited for that perfect moment to tell her which never came. Then on one faithful afternoon that moment came and I would need to search for confidence within me to finally make a move…

There she was, directly in front of me. All those moments that  played in my head over the last 6 months were here in reality and I needed to make a move. We had left class for lunch and I was determined to catch up to her. I desperately wanted to tell her how I really felt about her. How gorgeous she was. That I had developed a massive crush on her. Why I wanted her to be mine. It was at that moment that I fucked up. I told myself “enough talk, time to do that shit and take action.” I caught up with her, my heart ready to pass out from nervousness. Then I spoke, “hey there’s something I’ve always wanted to tell you. Since I first met you I’ve had the biggest crush on you.” Prepared for a huge rejection I waited for what felt like decades. However to my surprise she reciprocated my statement smiled and we ended up having lunch together. Even better she paid for my lunch and we spent time the whole time laughing it up. I felt like Steph Curry up 3-1 and ready to pounce. I was in the drivers seat and It felt great. Unfortunately for me those high feelings wouldn’t last long.

How dare she not like me

Unknowingly I blew my 3-1 lead. However it wasn’t Lebron who beat me but myself in a sense. Being older now, when I re-evaluate the situation I definately should’ve gotten her number. I should’ve set something up so that way she felt confident about me. However in my ignorance I left the deal unsealed. The next morning when I went to school I looked for her. I walked near her but when she saw me she gave me the furthest thing from a smile. She acted as If I didn’t exist. I was perplexed that she had a sudden change of heart. Why was she doing this to me? Yesterday she seemingly loved me but now she treated me like america treats Donald Trump. For the rest of the day I kept replaying this sequence in my mind I needed an explanation. In a mad dash for answers I decided to look for her after school.

Through the thick sea of students I spotted her physique. ” HEY.. HEY,” I called out repeatedly. To my displeasure she continued walking not even acknowledging me. My heart shattered instantly. Not even a surgeon could build it back together after this. The once chance I had blown. I tried to stay strong, riding silently on the bus with a blank expression. I was solid on the outside but my insides I was crying. What could I have possibly done for her to act that way? All those talks with my friends about how she told them she liked me. Such bullshit! She never liked me at all! While drowning in my swimming pool of pity I felt sorry for myself. I grew to hate her and blamed her for my problem. It wasn’t because i didn’t get her number when she clearly like me. IT wasn’t because I had a non-existent social life, no swag, or no confidence. No it was all her fault and in this moment I need comfort from they only place I knew how

Confidence Murdered On Aisle ThreeMy confidence was destroyed on this day

Once I made it home tears shot out of my eyes like a scene in Vietnam. I cried for about 30 minutes because some girl rejected me. However at the source I cried because I felt unwanted. In that moment I was hopeless. No one could comfort me in this moment except porn. Porn was the only thing that made me feel happy. It was a necessary evil for me in that instance. I mean the porn stars would never reject me. They were practically gawking at me for my attention. They loved that I would watch them for hours and on this night It was more of the same. That evening I jerked off on three separate occasion. The culmination of failure, loneliness and pity were at it’s highest peak. The confidence I once had was shot and left to die with no one around to save it.

My bad history with women continued. When girls wanted to go out with me I remained silent. If I felt potential with a girl I avoided her. I became controlled by my fear of rejection On one particular occasion I connected with an attractive girl. Things built up to where she invited herself to my room. There she was cuddling with me in my bed signaling for me to escalate with her. However, I was so unaccustomed to being in a woman’s presence I never understood the subtle signal she was giving me. I missed my window. She became very disappointed and the next day she curved me. It was like a repeat of high school.  About a year later I met a hot coworker who was into me. She gave me numerous signs for me to ask her out, yet i refused. No matter what girl came into my life I was hopeless.

An Unlikely way out

While didn’t directly cause my rejection that day it had many indirect effects. Instead of me building an attraction to women I overly fantasied over therm making me extremely needy . Instead of gaining real life experiences with women I remained confined to jerking off in my room late at night. I would severely deplete my self-esteem, self-worth, and confidence over the years. Of course my porn addiction wasn’t the only reason I didn’t have these things. I had tons of problems that i was dealing with however porn was the biggest cause of my problems. In me watching porn to deal with my problems I simply avoided them instead of confronting them. In doing this I remained helpless and I only saw significant change when I finally confronted my problems. I was in a deep hole surrounded by heavy addiction, erectile dysfunction  and insecurities all around me.

People always say you find your greatest strength at your lowest moment. Well after finally feeling helpless I found light. In a random search for answers I discovered something extremely powerful. My discovery came from one of the most unlikely sources. It wasn’t a horrible statistic. IT didn’t come from advice from a forum member. What actually happened was that I inadvertently addressed my deepest insecurities. deep withing my subconscious I was building my value, esteem, and self worth. In  my dark porn filled tunnel I found a tiny ray of light in the distance. In my search for confidence I would find a solution that would change my life forever…

In my search for confidence I fount light at the end of the long tunnel